While the emotional pain of losing a baby is immeasurable, there’s also a practical and physical journey that families must navigate — one that can feel overwhelming when grief is still raw.
From postpartum recovery and making decisions about memorials to managing daily life after loss, parents often need support that is compassionate and informed. This is where bereavement care doulas play an essential role.
We spoke with Nonkululeko Shibula, a bereavement care doula, parent voice advocate, founder and director of Umzanyana South Africa, and board member of the International Stillbirth Alliance, about the practical side of bereavement care— what it looks like to be supported through loss, how to access such services, and what families can do if a doula isn’t available
1. The physical recovery after infant loss is often overlooked. Can you share what happens to the body — and why postpartum care is still so important, even when the baby isn’t coming home?
After losing a baby the body still goes through everything it would after birth milk comes in, hormones shift, and the body begins to heal. But this time, there’s no baby to hold, no sound to fill the silence. It can be incredibly painful both physically and emotionally, some parents call this phase aching arms. I remember my first morning at home after giving birth to Ntando my milk started flowing and my breasts were really full, no one had prepared me for this.
Postpartum care remains vital because a mother’s body has done the work of giving birth, and it needs rest, care, and nurturing. Simple acts like warm baths, gentle massage, or even someone preparing a meal can offer comfort.
2. How do you, as a bereavement doula, support families through the practical steps that follow — from birth or miscarriage to memorial planning?
In those first days, parents face decisions they never imagined making what to do with their baby’s body, whether to hold them, how to say goodbye. My role is to gently guide them through these moments with compassion and clarity. Sometimes I help prepare the space for the birth or the memorial and making sure their needs are met and they are not forgotten because a room without a crying baby can be easily passed. , sometimes I simply sit quietly beside them.
I remind families that every choice is deeply personal there is no right or wrong way. What matters is that their baby’s life is honoured in a way that feels right for them. It is always beautiful to see how a little foot print can hold so much weight.
3. What does the journey of bereavement with a doula typically look like? Could you walk us through the kinds of support you offer before, during, and after loss?
When families know beforehand that they may lose their baby, we start by preparing emotionally creating birth plans, memory boxes, and support systems such as family and religious leaders to counselling. During the birth, I offer presence and comfort, helping parents feel less alone.
Afterwards, I support them through physical recovery, memorial arrangements, and ongoing grief support. Sometimes that means connecting them to peer groups, sometimes it’s just checking in weeks later. The relationship doesn’t end when the service does grief takes time, and so does healing.
4. In South Africa, how are bereavement doula services accessed by clients needing the service?
At Umzanyana families can reach out directly through our social media or mobile number. Some are referred by hospitals, midwives, or other doulas. We also partner with local organisations and hospitals to make sure families know this kind of support exists.
Unfortunately, not all facilities have connections with bereavement doulas yet, but awareness is growing. My hope is that one day, every family who experiences loss in South Africa will automatically be offered this kind of compassionate care.
5. For parents who may not have access to a bereavement doula, what practical steps or resources can they lean on during this difficult time?
If a doula isn’t available, families can still find small, meaningful ways to care for themselves. Writing, journaling, or even speaking to someone who has walked this road before can offer comfort.
It’s also important to keep the body in mind eating small meals, resting, and asking for help. Grief consumes energy, and tending to your body is one way of honouring your baby and yourself.
6. Many parents struggle to know what to do with their baby’s belongings or nursery items. How do you guide them through those deeply emotional decisions?
This is one of the hardest parts of loss. I encourage parents not to rush. You don’t have to pack everything away immediately. Sometimes keeping a few items close a blanket, a piece of clothing, or a photo can bring comfort, which is why on my workshops I teach providers to create and present memory boxes.
For others, creating a small memory corner helps. Over time, when it feels right, they can decide what to keep, donate, or transform into keepsakes. These choices are deeply personal and part of the healing process.
7. Self-care can feel impossible after loss. What are some gentle, realistic ways parents can look after their bodies and minds during this period?
Self-care after loss isn’t about big gestures; it’s about the smallest acts of kindness toward yourself. Rest when you can. Breathe. Step outside for sunlight. Drink water. Cry when you need to. Healing happens in those small, quiet moments.
Sometimes, self-care means letting others help you allowing someone to cook for you, hold you, or simply sit with you. Grief softens when it’s shared.
8. How can partners and family members provide practical support — especially when they don’t know what to say or do?
Support doesn’t always need words. Partners and family can show care through actions making sure the grieving parent eats, rests, and doesn’t feel forgotten. Practical help, like handling paperwork or taking care of other children, can ease the load. But the most powerful gift is presence. Just being there quietly, without trying to fix it speaks volumes. It tells the grieving parent, ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’
9. Can you tell us about Umzanyana South Africa’s bereavement care services — how families can reach you, and what kind of ongoing support or community you offer?
Umzanyana offers one-on-one bereavement care, support groups, and workshops for parents and health care professionals. We also share bereavement care and legacy making resources.
Our community is built on compassion, understanding, and shared personal experience. We walk with parents for as long as they need, offering gentle continuity of care.
10. What message would you like to leave with healthcare professionals and the wider community about supporting families through infant loss?
My message is simple: lead with compassion. Every word, every gesture matters. Families remember how they were treated more than anything else.
Healthcare professionals hold a sacred role in those moments as they are the first in contact they can either deepen the pain or soften it. Taking time to listen, to explain gently, use the right words, and to honor the baby’s life can make an enormous difference. Grief doesn’t need fixing; it needs witnessing. we are human first before we are anything else in the worl
Grief after infant loss doesn’t have a roadmap — but compassionate, informed care can make the journey less isolating. Bereavement doulas like Nonkululeko Shibula offer parents the reassurance that they don’t have to face it alone; that every decision, every emotion, and every small act of remembrance matters.
Whether through the hands-on guidance of a doula or the collective care of family and community, healing begins when we replace silence with presence and empathy.
Families seeking support can connect with Umzanyana South Africa via:
- Instagram/Facebook: @Umzanyana and @nonkululekoshibula
Additional resources include:
- The Compassionate Friends SA – www.tcf.org.za
- SANDS SA – www.sands.org.za
- Lifeline SA – 0861 322 322
- SADAG Helpline – 0800 567 567