During our recent “Vital Baby: Ask the Midwife Live” session, a viewer brought up a topic we hadn’t previously addressed in much depth: Gender disappointment. A topic I never normally touched on yet is one that many expectant parents quietly struggle with. After delving into research and reflecting on this complex emotion, I’ve realized just how important it is to discuss this openly and provide support for those who might be feeling a sense of disappointment around their baby’s gender.
Let’s unpack what gender disappointment is, explore its potential causes, and share ways to manage these feelings.
What is Gender Disappointment?
Gender disappointment refers to the feeling of sadness, frustration, or even guilt that some parents experience when they find out the gender of their baby is not what they were hoping for. While the joy of expecting a healthy baby is undeniable, the emotional impact of unmet expectations regarding the baby’s gender can be surprisingly significant for some.
It’s important to note that this doesn’t make someone a “bad” parent or ungrateful. It simply reflects how deeply personal hopes and societal influences can shape our feelings during pregnancy.
In fact, a study published in the Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology found that up to 18% of expectant mothers report experiencing some degree of gender disappointment. This highlights how common and yet often unspoken these feelings can be, even in cultures where gender equality is valued.
What are some of the Causes Gender Disappointment?
There are several reasons why someone might experience gender disappointment, and it’s essential to understand that these are complex, often subconscious, feelings:
Societal and Cultural Expectations
Some cultures place a high value on a particular gender, often due to historical reasons. This can lead parents to feel pressured to hope for one gender over another, and disappointment when those hopes aren’t met.
Personal Expectations
Many parents have a vision of their family that may include one or more children of a specific gender. This vision could be based on their own experiences growing up, the dream of having a “mini-me,” or the desire to parent a child of the same or opposite gender.
Family Influence
Family members may express a preference for one gender, which can weigh on parents. Whether explicit or implied, these expectations can lead to disappointment if the baby’s gender doesn’t match what the family envisioned.
Past Trauma or Sexual Assault
For some parents, particularly those who have experienced trauma or sexual assault, their desire for a particular gender may be tied to emotional safety. For instance, a parent who has experienced abuse at the hands of a male figure may feel more comfortable raising a daughter, believing they will be able to shield her from similar harm. Conversely, a parent who associates females with certain traumatic events may wish for a boy, hoping to avoid confronting those painful memories. This can make gender disappointment feel even more intense, as it may be linked to deep-seated fears and unresolved trauma.
Stereotypes and Roles
Society often associates certain characteristics or roles with boys and girls, which can shape a parent’s expectations. For instance, a mother may dream of raising a daughter to share certain experiences, and a father might imagine passing on traditions to a son.
Managing Gender Disappointment
If you or someone you know is experiencing gender disappointment, it’s important to approach the situation with compassion and understanding. Here are some ways to manage these feelings:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step in managing gender disappointment is acknowledging that these feelings are valid. Suppressing or feeling guilty about them only adds to the emotional burden. It’s okay to feel disappointed, even while being excited about welcoming a new baby.
Talk About It
Sharing your feelings with a partner, trusted friend, or even a healthcare provider like a midwife can help lighten the emotional load. Often, verbalizing these emotions helps you process them better and can prevent them from festering.
Focus on Your Baby as an Individual
Gender disappointment often arises from idealized expectations. Try shifting focus from gender-specific hopes to the individual traits and personality your baby will develop. Every child, regardless of gender, brings unique joys and challenges.
Seek Support from Others Who’ve Been There
You’re not alone. There are online forums and support groups for parents who’ve experienced gender disappointment. Hearing other people’s stories can be comforting and help normalize your feelings.
Be Kind to Yourself
It’s important to remind yourself that disappointment doesn’t reflect how much you love your child. Many parents who experience gender disappointment find that once their baby is born, these feelings fade and are replaced by deep love and connection.
Consider Professional Help
If these feelings persist and are affecting your mental health or your ability to enjoy your pregnancy, seeking the help of a counsellor or therapist can provide additional support. For those dealing with unresolved trauma, it may be especially beneficial to work with a therapist who specialises in trauma-informed care.
Gender disappointment is a very real and valid experience that can be difficult to navigate. As midwives and childbirth educators, it’s our responsibility to create a safe and non-judgmental space where parents can share their feelings. Addressing these emotions early on can help expectant parents feel more empowered and at peace as they prepare to welcome their little one.
At Welcome Baby Antenatal, we strive to support every aspect of the pregnancy journey, including the emotional complexities that come with it. We’re here to help guide you through all the ups and downs of pregnancy and parenthood with care, empathy, and understanding.
Remember, no matter the gender, your baby is uniquely yours, and your parenting journey will be filled with moments of joy, growth, and connection.