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While the emotional pain of losing a baby is immeasurable, there’s also a practical and physical journey that families must navigate — one that can feel overwhelming when grief is still raw.

From postpartum recovery and making decisions about memorials to managing daily life after loss, parents often need support that is compassionate and informed. This is where bereavement care doulas play an essential role.

We spoke with Nonkululeko Shibula, a bereavement care doula, parent voice advocate, founder and director of Umzanyana South Africa, and board member of the International Stillbirth Alliance, about the practical side of bereavement care— what it looks like to be supported through loss, how to access such services, and what families can do if a doula isn’t available

1. The physical recovery after infant loss is often overlooked. Can you share what happens to the body — and why postpartum care is still so important, even when the baby isn’t coming home?

After losing a baby the body still goes through everything it would after birth milk comes in, hormones shift, and the body begins to heal. But this time, there’s no baby to hold, no sound to fill the silence. It can be incredibly painful both physically and emotionally, some parents call this phase aching arms. I remember my first morning at home after giving birth to Ntando my milk started flowing and my breasts were really full, no one had prepared me for this.
Postpartum care remains vital because a mother’s body has done the work of giving birth, and it needs rest, care, and nurturing. Simple acts like warm baths, gentle massage, or even someone preparing a meal can offer comfort.

2. How do you, as a bereavement doula, support families through the practical steps that follow — from birth or miscarriage to memorial planning?

In those first days, parents face decisions they never imagined making what to do with their baby’s body, whether to hold them, how to say goodbye. My role is to gently guide them through these moments with compassion and clarity. Sometimes I help prepare the space for the birth or the memorial and making sure their needs are met and they are not forgotten because a room without a crying baby can be easily passed. , sometimes I simply sit quietly beside them.
I remind families that every choice is deeply personal there is no right or wrong way. What matters is that their baby’s life is honoured in a way that feels right for them. It is always beautiful to see how a little foot print can hold so much weight.

3. What does the journey of bereavement with a doula typically look like? Could you walk us through the kinds of support you offer before, during, and after loss?

When families know beforehand that they may lose their baby, we start by preparing emotionally creating birth plans, memory boxes, and support systems such as family and religious leaders to counselling. During the birth, I offer presence and comfort, helping parents feel less alone.
Afterwards, I support them through physical recovery, memorial arrangements, and ongoing grief support. Sometimes that means connecting them to peer groups, sometimes it’s just checking in weeks later. The relationship doesn’t end when the service does grief takes time, and so does healing.

4. In South Africa, how are bereavement doula services accessed by clients needing the service?

At Umzanyana families can reach out directly through our social media or mobile number. Some are referred by hospitals, midwives, or other doulas. We also partner with local organisations and hospitals to make sure families know this kind of support exists.
Unfortunately, not all facilities have connections with bereavement doulas yet, but awareness is growing. My hope is that one day, every family who experiences loss in South Africa will automatically be offered this kind of compassionate care.

5. For parents who may not have access to a bereavement doula, what practical steps or resources can they lean on during this difficult time?

If a doula isn’t available, families can still find small, meaningful ways to care for themselves. Writing, journaling, or even speaking to someone who has walked this road before can offer comfort.
It’s also important to keep the body in mind eating small meals, resting, and asking for help. Grief consumes energy, and tending to your body is one way of honouring your baby and yourself.

6. Many parents struggle to know what to do with their baby’s belongings or nursery items. How do you guide them through those deeply emotional decisions?

This is one of the hardest parts of loss. I encourage parents not to rush. You don’t have to pack everything away immediately. Sometimes keeping a few items close a blanket, a piece of clothing, or a photo can bring comfort, which is why on my workshops I teach providers to create and present memory boxes.
For others, creating a small memory corner helps. Over time, when it feels right, they can decide what to keep, donate, or transform into keepsakes. These choices are deeply personal and part of the healing process.

7. Self-care can feel impossible after loss. What are some gentle, realistic ways parents can look after their bodies and minds during this period?

Self-care after loss isn’t about big gestures; it’s about the smallest acts of kindness toward yourself. Rest when you can. Breathe. Step outside for sunlight. Drink water. Cry when you need to. Healing happens in those small, quiet moments.
Sometimes, self-care means letting others help you allowing someone to cook for you, hold you, or simply sit with you. Grief softens when it’s shared.

8. How can partners and family members provide practical support — especially when they don’t know what to say or do?

Support doesn’t always need words. Partners and family can show care through actions making sure the grieving parent eats, rests, and doesn’t feel forgotten. Practical help, like handling paperwork or taking care of other children, can ease the load. But the most powerful gift is presence. Just being there quietly, without trying to fix it speaks volumes. It tells the grieving parent, ‘You don’t have to do this alone.’

9. Can you tell us about Umzanyana South Africa’s bereavement care services — how families can reach you, and what kind of ongoing support or community you offer?

Umzanyana offers one-on-one bereavement care, support groups, and workshops for parents and health care professionals. We also share bereavement care and legacy making resources.
Our community is built on compassion, understanding, and shared personal experience. We walk with parents for as long as they need, offering gentle continuity of care.

10. What message would you like to leave with healthcare professionals and the wider community about supporting families through infant loss?

My message is simple: lead with compassion. Every word, every gesture matters. Families remember how they were treated more than anything else.
Healthcare professionals hold a sacred role in those moments as they are the first in contact they can either deepen the pain or soften it. Taking time to listen, to explain gently, use the right words, and to honor the baby’s life can make an enormous difference. Grief doesn’t need fixing; it needs witnessing. we are human first before we are anything else in the worl

Grief after infant loss doesn’t have a roadmap — but compassionate, informed care can make the journey less isolating. Bereavement doulas like Nonkululeko Shibula offer parents the reassurance that they don’t have to face it alone; that every decision, every emotion, and every small act of remembrance matters.

Whether through the hands-on guidance of a doula or the collective care of family and community, healing begins when we replace silence with presence and empathy.

Families seeking support can connect with Umzanyana South Africa via:

• Instagram/Facebook: @Umzanyana and @nonkululekoshibula

Additional resources include:

• The Compassionate Friends SA – www.tcf.org.za
• SANDS SA – www.sands.org.za
• Lifeline SA – 0861 322 322
• SADAG Helpline – 0800 567 567

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a global observance recognized by the World Health Organization (WHO) to honour babies lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death — and to raise awareness about the families who grieve them.

Across the world, millions of parents experience the heartbreak of infant loss each year, yet few find the space to speak about it openly. In South Africa, that silence often runs deeper due to cultural taboos and lack of support structures.

In this month of remembrance, we speak with Nonkululeko Shibula, a bereavement care doula, parent voice advocate, founder and director of Umzanyana South Africa, board member of the International Stillbirth Alliance, and creative mom, whose work gently holds families through one of the most difficult experiences imaginable — the loss of a baby.

Through her own lived experience and her work with bereaved parents, she offers deep insight into grief, healing, and how we can all show up with compassion when words fail.

1. Why is it so important to commemorate Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month each October?

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month reminds us that love doesn’t end where life does. It gives visibility to a kind of grief that often lives in silence. Many parents carry their stories privately because they don’t know where it’s safe to share them.
For me, it’s a month of remembrance and connection to honour our babies and to remind families that they are not alone. When my daughter Ntando was stillborn 15 years ago, I didn’t know where to turn. There were no words for what I was feeling, no language for that kind of heartbreak. Later realized how deeply isolated parents can feel in their grief. Commemorating this month gives permission for those stories ours and others to be seen, held, and valued.

2. You wear many hats — bereavement care doula, parent voice advocate, founder of Umzanyana South Africa, and international board member. How do these roles intersect in your work supporting grieving families?

Each of these roles connects to one truth — that no parent should have to navigate losing their baby alone. My work as a bereavement care doula allows me to sit with families in their rawest moments, offering emotional and practical support when the world feels like it has stopped. Through Umzanyana, I’ve created a space where parents can find community, access care, and be guided with gentleness through grief and teach community and health care workers about perinatal bereavement care.
Being part of the International Stillbirth Alliance allows me to bring an African parent voice to global conversations ensuring that our experiences, languages, and cultural realities are represented. All these roles are interconnected; they each flow from my lived experience as a mother who has loved and lost.

3. For those unfamiliar with bereavement care, what exactly does a bereavement doula do?

A bereavement care doula is a companion someone who walks beside a family through pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant death. Unlike a counsellor, my role isn’t to analyse or “fix” grief; it’s to hold space, offer comfort, and help families make decisions with clarity and care.
Sometimes that means helping a mother prepare to give birth knowing her baby has died. Sometimes it’s sitting quietly after, when words aren’t enough. We support families through memory-making, funeral planning, and postpartum recovery, but most importantly, we remind them that their baby’s life mattered no matter how brief.

4. Losing a baby is both an emotional and physical experience. What does the emotional journey of grief look like in those early days and weeks?

Grief in the early days feels like standing in the middle of a storm everything is blurry, and time loses meaning. The body is healing, the mind is trying to make sense of what happened, and the heart feels broken beyond repair.
Many parents describe feeling numb one moment and completely undone the next. There’s confusion, anger, longing, guilt, and disbelief all at once. I remember after losing Ntando, I didn’t want to leave the hospital because leaving meant walking away without her. Those first weeks are about surviving the next breath, one moment at a time.
As a doula, I encourage parents to give themselves permission to grieve in their own way there’s no right way to mourn a love so deep.

5. Grief is unpredictable. How do you help families navigate the changing emotions and long-term healing?

Grief doesn’t move in a straight line — it circles back, softens, and sometimes surprises you years later. My role is to walk with families through those shifts, helping them understand that grief doesn’t mean they’re broken; it means they loved deeply.
We work gently creating small routines, safe spaces, and moments of remembrance that allow healing to coexist with loss. I tell parents, “You don’t get over it you grow around it.” Healing comes slowly, through connection, through being witnessed, and through love that never ends.

6. For partners, family, or friends — how can they support a grieving parent? And what should they avoid saying?

The most powerful thing anyone can offer is presence. You don’t need perfect words just be there. Listen. Acknowledge the baby by name. Bring a meal. Sit in silence if that’s what’s needed.
What to avoid? Platitudes like “everything happens for a reason” or “you can try again.” Those words, though well-meaning, can feel like their baby’s life is being minimized. Instead, simply say, “I’m here, and I’m so sorry.” That honesty and warmth go further than anything else.

7. You often speak about remembrance and ritual. How does honouring a baby’s memory help parents heal?

Remembrance is how love continues. Whether it’s lighting a candle, planting a tree, writing a letter, or celebrating birthdays these rituals give form to a bond that never ends.
After I lost Ntando, I started small —speaking her name aloud. Over time, those rituals became my way of saying, “You were here. You mattered.” For many families, remembrance becomes a bridge between love and healing. It allows grief to be expressed gently, with meaning.

8. How does infant loss impact future pregnancies, and what kind of support do parents need?

Future pregnancies often carry layers of anxiety and fear. Parents might hold their breath at every milestone, waiting for reassurance that things are okay. Emotionally, it’s a delicate space joy and grief coexist.
As a doula, I walk with parents through those mixed emotions. We talk openly about triggers, create calm rituals, and advocate for compassionate care from health professionals. Every pregnancy after loss deserves gentleness and understanding it’s not about replacing the baby who died, but honouring both the love that remains and the hope that returns.

9. Tell us about the work Umzanyana South Africa is doing to support families.

Umzanyana was born from the need for compassionate, accessible support for families facing perinatal loss. We offer bereavement doula care, peer support, and community educationcreating spaces where families can grieve without shame.
We also train doulas and health professionals to provide sensitive, informed care. Our work extends beyond loss it’s about restoring dignity to how we speak about birth, death, and parenthood in all its forms.

10. For a parent reading this who feels alone in their grief — what words of comfort would you want them to hear?

I want you to know that your grief is valid. Your baby’s life, no matter how brief, holds deep meaning. You are still a parent  and you always will be.
There is no timeline for healing, no rulebook for how to feel. You can cry, you can laugh, you can remember, and you can rest. You are not alone in this. Love doesn’t disappear; it changes form  and one day, that love will guide you toward light again.

Grief after infant loss is not something to overcome — it’s something to be carried, reshaped, and honoured. Through her work with Umzanyana South Africa,  Nonkululeko Shibula reminds us that healing begins when we give our pain permission to exist, and when we surround families with empathy rather than silence.

If you or someone you love has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, support is available through:

• Umzanyana South Africa – @nonkululekoshiburu
• SANDS SA (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support) – www.sands.org.za
• The Compassionate Friends South Africa – www.tcf.org.za
• SADAG Helpline – 0800 567 567

This October, and always, may we remember the babies who left too soon — and the parents who continue to love them fiercely